How I perceived my childhood
One of the things I want to convey with this and future posts is: Never give up hope. It pays to persevere and work on yourself. There is always a way and change takes time.
This story is a reflection of my own feelings and is thus entirely subjective. Of course, nowadays I am aware that my parents wanted only the best for me.
I grew up in a family that was not very conducive to my development. My mother subordinated herself to her husband and was ambivalent towards me. Instead of asserting herself with me, she told my father in the evening about her escapades with me. He then carried out his ritual of threatening, insulting or devaluing me without further ado. A frequent sentence of my mother to keep the family peace was: “…but don’t tell your father”.
The scepter wielded the same, but he was rarely present in the family and preferred to pursue his own needs. His attention was mostly limited to showing me with all his might that I had deliberately done something wrong. Moreover, I did not care and I was guilty of everything, even if I didn’t do something. No matter how well I did something, it was neither sufficient nor worthy of appreciation/recognition. The standard reaction to something that I was proud of and reported or presented was: “don’t act up” or “that’s not much of an achievement”. Learning was explaining once and then requiring that I could do it. I was usually only allowed to enjoy my father’s closeness when I joined him in front of the television. On rare occasions, he was present during excursions.
Physical affection was rather rare from both sides. My needs were optionally ignored, passed over, declared unimportant or inappropriate. My parents went out, although I was afraid to stay alone. In return, there was a gift every time and when I was sick, no one sat by my bed. It was immensely important to maintain the facade of the perfect family to the outside world. The apartment was always spick and span. If there was an argument, a glamorous smile was put on as soon as the doorbell rang. Followed by an Oscar-worthy performance of harmony.
Negative feelings were not allowed to be expressed and overwhelming joy was barely allowed to be shared. Discussions were forbidden, since children’s opinions have no value due to their limited life experience, and to disagree with an opinion of an adult was considered impertinence. My existence should be as unobtrusive and silent as possible to the needs of my parents, the environment and the social norm.
Of course, there were also good events, experiences, but they were not too beneficial. The uncertainty about when there would be trouble again was always breathing down my neck. The behavior or reactions of people was not assessable for me.
During my school years, I found a similar environment. Teachers were authorities whom I had to obey and was not allowed to contradict. Nor did it require any explanation as to why I had to do or not do something. Only performance mattered and individuality was worthless.. Every child had to perform at the same rhythm and justice was not on the agenda either. Exclusion, bullying and denunciation was the most popular recess activity among students and no adult/teacher cared.
Later, in the company where I was trained and in my first job, I was confronted with power-hungry and self-important superiors. Their favorite pastime was to show off their trainees, if possible in front of the colleagues present, or to aggressively intimidate them in a quiet room in order to keep them small and obedient.
All these years in a toxic environment led me to learn not how to live, but how to survive. My nervous system was permanently in stress mode, which has been proven to impair development. Among other things, this condition led to the fact that emotions were split off, i.e. I did not feel them anymore or only in a flattened form and I had no idea of my needs. Therefore, I also learned a profession that did not suit my personality and I ended up despairing for years.
In my late 20s, I started my own family out of questionable reasons. I did not realize that at that time I was not able to form a bond and care for others, let alone myself. So it happened that 3 months after the birth of my child I separated from its father and got into mainly harmful relationships.
Due to the constant excessive demands and emotional deficits, I experienced a mental breakdown a few years later. For 3 years I went through life with somatoform disorders such as nausea as well as a nervous digestive tract and severe depression with bedriddenness at times. 2 more years passed, which I needed to stabilize.
Within these 5 years, of course, I could not compensate for the deficits that arose in the first 30 years of life. However, after this time I was able to develop to a healthy degree. Apart from 2 small slips like media and purchase addiction to compensate negative feelings. I went through experiences that others go through at a much earlier age.
Until half a year ago, I only played the role of the adult, but never felt it, and I wasn’t emotionally either.
What benefits me today are my numerous old experiences, which I can compare or connect with today’s and re-evaluate. This allows me to progress much faster in my development.
Topics that are still on my mind and I am working on at the moment are: Abandonment fears, letting go, acting out emotions, (primal) trust. But more about that in another post.
I am currently in the estimated 1/3 of my life and have discovered both full personal responsibility as well as freedom for myself. My learned profession and the associated last job are finally history
I have decided to write this blog about my life, while I complete various training and education for my found vocation. My purpose is that people who are looking for help and relaxation in different areas of life will get it, so that they do not have to cope with everything on their own.
If you have any questions for me or would like to share your journey or insights from your life with the readers, please feel free to use the comment section at the end of the post.